Codependency is above all an extreme emotional and mental absorption in the life of another person. The person dissolves in their partner and in the relationship, forgetting themselves, their own problems and their own needs. Controlling and helping the addicted person becomes the life goal of the codependent member of the relationship.
Typical traits of a codependent person:
- self-hatred, self-denial;
- a desire to receive love, care and protection from the dependent partner;
- anger and aggression (often suppressed);
- dependence on the opinions of others;
- a tendency to take on other people’s problems;
- placing the other person’s needs above their own;
- self-harming behaviour;
- an inability to accept compliments;
- a need to feel needed and important;
- a lack of their own opinion;
- total self-suppression.
Codependent people do not acknowledge the problem. They behave as if nothing has happened. To avoid thinking about the main problem, they have to keep constantly busy, believe lies and make mistakes. They hear only what they want to hear and see only what they want to see.
Denial and repression help them live in a world of illusions, because the truth of life is simply unbearable for them. Denial encourages self-deception, and self-deception is destructive: it is a form of spiritual degradation and a loss of moral principles. Codependent people constantly deny having any painful signs of codependency. Denial makes it harder to seek professional help, allows codependency to develop and worsens personal and family problems.
Stages of Codependency
Codependency in the early stage. Gradually it becomes the central theme of life, and the person’s behaviour changes. They feel compelled to put their loved one’s problem first and to give up their own path of personal development, including spiritual growth. Mood swings appear, along with character traits that were previously unusual for them (vulnerability, sensitivity, hysteria, loudness and so on).
In the middle stage, the condition of the dependent person becomes more severe. Self-esteem declines. Sometimes this is an attempt to find a way out of the impasse, but more often it involves self-deception, persuasion, a narrowing of interests, meetings and business contacts, frequent quarrels and arguments, and sometimes irrational actions.
The final stage: apathy, despair, exhaustion, sometimes a retreat into illness, attempts to solve the problem all at once, possible suicidal thoughts, and a breakdown of social ties.
Treatment of Codependency
It is very difficult for a person to change their view of the world on their own. Their whole inner nature resists it, because living with old problems is much more comfortable.
Living with this disorder is very hard. Gradually, the codependent person’s relationships deteriorate, both with others and with the dependent partner, and they isolate themselves within their problem. Silent suffering often leads to suicide.
Sessions with a psychotherapist can help people understand why they have built this particular pattern of relating to the outside world and how they can overcome it. Awareness is the first and most important step in tackling the problem. Codependency is a learned pattern of behaviour.
